heavy day

today was a heavy day. started out well. I got alot of work done. After lunch I had planned to go see Gus. I went over there about 2 pm. The road was damp and mudy. I had a really wierd feeling heading over there. When I got to the gate, the lady came out and just started thanking me. I had no idea for what she was talking about. I just did my usual smile and formatlities. I pressed her and asked her if I could go see Gus. She told me then that Gus had passed away last friday. I saw him on the Thursday. At the time I saw him he was very peaceful and aware of everything. He had, however, lost alot of body weight. I asked the lady what happen and she said that Gus didn't eat for a few days, cried for a day, then passed away that night.

I really don't know what to think still. The fact is I'm still trying to not think about it too much. I'm afraid that if I do, I'll get upset at somebody. He's in a better place. Of that I'm 100% sure. Nobody deserves to live the life that he had. I try to tell myself what I heard before, that there are no mistakes in death. When it's somebody's time, they'll pass. I trust this. I don't know what to think about this more than this. The simple fact is that everyone dropped the ball in Gus' life. We did. We were way to slow in getting everything done. I should have been on the phone with everyone the first day that I saw him. The government dropped the ball in not putting him in proper care. That shows how much they care about the poor and needy in their country.

While I was walking back from the retirement home, I was in shock. I was pretty upset with myself. The thing I have learned from the situation is that there is no tomorrow when it comes to this stuff. I put off what we should have done early until now. If we had only had a few more weeks, the BYU fundraiser would have given us the money to get him to the hospital in Guangzhou. But why didn't I pay for this myself. That's something I keep thinking about. I know its still very emotional and I'm going to wait a few days until I really figure all this out.

Thanks to all of you who showed care for Gus. I'll never know anything about him except that he was a boy that changed my life alot. His name, hometown, family members, all this stuff I'll never ever know. But I know what he gave me, and that's the most important thing.